I’m laying in bed thinking that maybe all we want is what we can’t have, no matter how big or small. We want something and then when we have it we forget about it because it’s just another part of our lives. We can’t cherish everything we have because we’d spend our whole lives cherishing what we have and never wanting to aspire to more. We’d lose ambition. But when does ambition turn into greediness? When is wanting more okay and when is it shamed upon?
Are rich people greedy because they can afford to actually have the things they want instead of pining after what they want in hope that one day they will have it? I don’t understand where the barrier is. I have a great life but at the same time it’s completely messed up and imperfect and I want something better for myself. Is that ambitious or greedy? The English language has all these meanings and definitions but it can all get very confusing when you actually think about it. Words confuse me. The dictionary says ambition is ‘a strong desire to do something’ and greedy is ‘an excessive desire to have something’. So really it all comes down to the words strong and excessive.. When does strong turn into excessive? Please tell me as I’m utterly confused.
Do you know what’s bad? I’ve been napping all day when I should be revising. I’ve decided to take sleep as an escape route from my problems and stress. It just feels so nice and warm, I could spend all my life cuddled in bed but that’s lazy and frowned upon so maybe I won’t get to live that dream. The thing is… I’ve got 9 exams in the space of 3 weeks and I just want to cry. Do horrible examiners think about our mental well-being during this time? Absolutely not. I can’t handle it, I get headaches and panics and I wanna cry because my life depends on these exams.
School keeps telling me how important these exams are but they don’t think that maybe saying ‘hey guys, you know what? I believe you can achieve anything, even without these exams so don’t stress, they aren’t the end of the world’ would make us feel a little better than ‘Hey guys, you need to whoop your arses into shape unless you want to be unemployed the rest of your life’. I hate it. I think you as a whole should be seen in your exams. I think they should see your physical and mental state, you social status, your personality and ambition.
They shouldn’t just give you a grade they should give you a grade for you as an individual. I’m just going to have to live with it though because that will never happen. Exam stress has me looking at cars in the road thinking that maybe I’ll just walk out in the middle one day and be saved from all the stress.
Literally wrote those two paragraphs above about 3 weeks ago but I never finished the post. Why? 1.I had nothing to say 2. I like to post when I feel something not just for the sake of it and 3. I had to hop on the revising train otherwise I would have probably had a breakdown. So I’m now here to finish this post because it’s half-term and I feel slightly more relaxed.
Do you know what makes my day? Like truly makes me smile? Comments and emails from you lovely, wonderful people. I know it sounds cringey and I apologise! You know how I want to help people and help the world yadda yadda? Well you are the ones that help me. Not just you, of course I have other people to thank, but it means so much to me that I can’t explain it. The other day I got an email saying that my blog was awesome and that I was a really nice person. It doesn’t seem like a lot but it meant a lot to me. It makes me feel like maybe I’ve done something right with my life so far and maybe I’ll be okay in the end. Maybe I’m not exactly important and maybe I won’t help as many people as I want to but sometimes I feel like I’m doing okay and I’m not a massive messy screw up like I think. Thank you for that!!
Until next time..XOXO..Joseh the blogger