Life is just a bundle of ends and beginnings; stops and starts, like, like a car. Life is not a continuous journey, in my eyes, life is billions of pauses, pit-stops and junctions. I’m tired of traveling towards an impending end. I’m tired of driving in the same direction, at the same speed everyday, only knowing that you’re going to reach an end. Who knows what happens after this road ends? Maybe it’s a dead-end and you’re stuck in the same place for the rest of your life or maybe there’s a wall which you crash into or maybe there’s a nice little road that takes you to a nicer, sunnier place. We don’t know. We don’t need to know. But knowing that I’m not going to crash would be nice. Speeding up to get to the end faster would be nice.
The nagging feeling may disappear and I might not be so tired of the next road ahead. All of this is, of course, a bunch of metaphorical crap for my pessimistic view of life and I apologise greatly for this. Sometimes….sometimes… Not making much sense makes the most sense (that’s confusing).
I don’t know why I always try to fill a page of A4 with my posts but I do and I don’t know how I do it. I just say a bunch of rubbish and hope people can make sense of it :’) I just find it hard to talk to people. At school everyone has their best friends but I don’t. I have friends but not best friends, not anymore. It makes you feel a bit…. Unwanted? Crap? Worthless? Not good enough? Lonely? I mean, there’s only so much small talk I can make with my friends, I have no one to talk about meaningful stuff with. No one to relate to. No one that knows me and loves me unconditionally. It’s…. Not the worst feeling in the world but… It could feel better.
I’m scared of walking into rooms where I’m not sure if I’ll know anyone, I’m intimidated by groups, I find social situations hard, I prefer to do school work and be alone than have lunch and be with other people, I’m not happy. What is wrong with me? Surely, I should be normal? I should like to be with people! I shouldn’t worry about things as much as I do. I don’t know how I’m so different but pretend I’m the same. I’m not.
My whole life is spent trying to analyse myself and find out who I am… I question everything I do and sometimes I just want to lock my brain away and stop thinking about explanations because as interesting as they are, they tire you out. There is no evidence of your theory/explanation and so how can we live without really knowing? But really there isn’t evidence for anything and we have to cope with that. It’s a hard thing to cope with but that is a fact of life.
On the plus side, my girlfriend loves me. On the downside, her parents only let us see each other once a week because of studying. On the plus side, I feel warm. On the down side, I feel worn out (physically and psychologically). On the plus side, I can smile. On the downside, I don’t want to. On the plus side, this is fun. On the down side, I’m running out of things to say. On the plus side, my mum loves me unconditionally. On the down side, her boyfriend of 9 years just left her for another woman (dick). On the plus side, I didn’t like him anyway (good riddance). On the downside, she’s very sad.
Anyway, I’d prefer not to think about coming to the end of that particular road because it looks like I’ll crash and I’ll bid you all. Nice time all.
until next time…..Joseh the blogger,2016