Throughout my short-lived life I have come to observe the world as a kind world full of cruel souls. You see, there will always be good and always be bad, but we don’t always see it. A bully doesn’t see how cruel he is and a monk doesn’t view himself as especially kind. I see myself as a cruel, selfish being. Sometimes it’s hard to be nice and sometimes it’s hard to be selfless. However, my main issue is self-hatred and so maybe I don’t see myself as kind for that reason (or maybe I’m just horrible). As a teenage boy, the badness in the world seems to overrun the goodness. How people see you seems to overrun how you see yourself. And issues seem to grow with time. Sometimes darkness clouds over the lightness and you’re just left choking in this thick fog with no way to escape and sometimes death seems like a nice option….But then the sun comes out and you can breathe.
Over the past couple months I’ve decided that the issues inside my head aren’t going to go anytime soon. Ofcourse there are good days and bad days but lately bad days seem to be more frequently occurring. Maybe it’s loneliness or self-doubt or insecurity or body image or anxiety or emptiness or all of the above! I don’t know, but what I do know is that if I have nothing to do but sit down and think then I’ll go crazy or cry or both. You see, I haven’t cry for a couple months now which is extremely odd (could apparently be emotional detachment after a dramatic event but whatever) and then the past two nights I’ve cried buckets full. I’m not depressed just sad. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and be happy, maybe one day I’ll wake up and I’ll feel good, feel loved, feel like I belong. That day however isn’t anytime soon. I need to fix myself before that happens.
Wow, look at me with all my depressing feelings and issues…. I’m such a sap. I haven’t written in ages and I wish I could come back with good news but I can’t. Sorry. The only reason I actually wrote anything tonight was because I was going to drive myself crazy doing nothing and my mind doesn’t react very well alone… So I had to do SOMETHING! Also no one seems to be talking to me anymore and I just feel lonely. That brings me to my lack of/destruction of relationships. You see, I get attached too easily, get my expectations high, and focus on every single flaw in the relationship. Maybe I haven’t found what I’m looking for or maybe it just doesn’t exist and I’m just ruining all my relationships because that’s who I am and what I do.
So… Basically my life is sucky, no one wants to talk to me, no one wants to know me, all love interests go out the window, all friends don’t seem to care about me, no one sees how crap I feel, no one UNDERSTANDS it. Ripping my beards out seems like a common rational feeling for me and crying myself to sleep also seems to make total sense. I wish I was a kid again when I looked forward to growing up and dreamed about all the possibilities. Now I don’t look forward to grow up because I’m just getting lonelier and more negative as I get older. Life isn’t as great as what you imagine.
On that oh so lovely and positive post, I’m going to leave you all to go have my cry…
until next time..XOXO..JOSEH THE BLOGGER,2016