It’s happened again. That black hole that encompasses you fully and shakes you about whilst you cry and scream for help has returned. It’s sad really, that we can’t be happy all the time but that is reality. And yes, reality is a bitch. I don’t know why it’s here but it is and sometimes it feels okay and the black hole shrinks into a tiny spot that hurts just now and again, but then it grows, mainly at night, and you can’t ignore it, all you can do is cry and hurt until it shrinks enough for you to live your normal life. That black hole lives within many of us and it grows and shrinks with us. Maybe we control the black hole but maybe we don’t. It’s easier to think we control it but when it’s screaming at you it doesn’t feel that way.I think it’s in my head and it causes me to shout things at myself (not out loud, I’m not that crazy). It’s cruel and it makes me cry until I’m weak. That’s the thing, I am weak and I always have been. I don’t show people how sensitive I am and I never cry in front of people. My vulnerability is hidden away just like I want it to be. Little comments they cause the black hole to grow. “You’re eating a lot” someone says and later on all I here is the voice in my head “You’re so fat and disgusting and ugly. Your boyfriend must be embarrassed to be seen with you. Why do you even exist? You don’t deserve anyone to love you, you ugly fat piece of shit”. I know I can control the voice but sometimes it’s easier to just face it because deep down I believe it. Am I insecure? Yes. Self-conscious? Yes. Crazy? Depends on what you think crazy means. You can make that judgement. The black hole can’t die it can only shrink and all we can do is try to make it as small as a pinprick.
The truth is… I’m scared about so many things. I’m scared my girlfriend is going to leave me. I’m scared I won’t get into job market. I’m scared of going to the USA and being all alone. I’m scared of people around me presuming things about me they have no right to. I’m scared the black hole will grow too big. I’m scared my granny won’t see me soon cancer. I’m scared no one will ever be able to love me because I don’t accept myself. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to fully trust anyone and most importantly I’m scared of my mind and the tricks it plays on me. The mind is a wonderful thing but it has so much power, it’s scary. It can make you believe things that aren’t true and make you think about things that will never happen. It excites you and disappoints you, it confuses you and elates you. The mind is the most important part of living and once your mind turns on you, it kills you. Fortunately our mind usually wants to live and only turns on you temporarily. My mind makes everything bigger than it is and makes me upset or angry for silly reasons- I’m paranoid and think everyone dislikes me it seems. A reflection of my view of myself? Quite possible.
I don’t know what it is but when things don’t go to plan or don’t act how I want them to or expect them to, I get frustrated. I must be a control-freak but at the same time, I’m super laid-back most of the time. Expectations make me crazy because people and events don’t always live up to such expectations. This offers a wave of disappointment perhaps. In case you haven’t noticed, this post is basically a counselling session for me without the extra person in the room. Why am I like this? *I’m playing the role of both counsellor and patient, because I’m multi-talented* I don’t know why I get so angry with people who say and do things I don’t expect maybe I’m just a spoilt brat who wants everything done his way? I don’t think I’ll ever found out the true answer so let’s go with that one!