Why does the world build you up with so many expectations that you have to withhold? Why do we have to have lots of friends? Why do we have to like certain music and certain people? Why are we not allowed to disagree or argue with people? We always have to be so fucking polite. It’s annoying. Just say what’s on your bloody mind already. I LIKE having differences and I LIKE being told the truth.
I’ve decided that I don’t like people really. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean it in a horrible way… I’m just not a people person. They hurt you, manipulate you and disappoint you. I would prefer to live in my room all alone with a smart tv and maybe a dog or something forever. That way I’ll be protected in a little cocoon and not have to care about being this persona I’m supposed to be. All I know is that being with people… I’m not me. I want to be me but if I were, I fear that I would have no friends and I may in fact forever stay in my room alone. And apparently that is socially unacceptable. Who even decides that being alone is wrong?! Whoever decided it can fuck off and should know how much I sincerely hate them because I am now forced to socialise when I don’t want to. Why should I have to do things I don’t want?
Prom is probably going to be the worst night of my life. 1. I have no one to go with (yes, my friends are so amazing that they don’t even want to go with me). Do you know how incredibly unwanted that makes me feel? No you don’t because you probably have friends that actually care about you, unlike me. 2. I’ll feel insecure next to so many good looking guys. I’ll feel fat and ugly and no good enough… I feel this enough without having a whole night where everyone’s supposed to be gorgeous. 3. I don’t even like half the people at my college. 4. I fear I’ll just be sat on my own all night like a loser. 5. There’s an after party where I may be abandoned and uncomfortable… Therefore: worst night of my life of which costs a lot and may cause me many tears. Yes, it sounds stupid to worry about it especially when there are so many other issues in the world but you seriously don’t know how much I worry. My mind just blows everything up completely and I literally feel like I’m losing control.
I’m just so tired… Like I can’t be bothered to do anything. Sometimes I get these highs where I feel great and I get all excited and active but then I get these lows and I just give up on everything. I just want to curl up in a ball with blankets, watch films, cry, eat ice cream and cry some more. Which is why I like being alone… What’s odd is that usually I feel so alone and empty inside and yet I’m always with people but when I’m actually alone, I don’t feel alone. It’s doesn’t make sense but it’s true. I like talking to certain people, like ladies.. Or just people that make me smile… But it’s hard to try be perfect. Nobody’s perfect. That’s why I’m always disappointed in myself… It’s not that I expect other people to be perfect, I just expect it in myself. An impossible goal meaning an unhappy life in return.
until next time….Nice moments dearie.